2025: A Reflection

2025 is done and dusted, and I'm strolling into 2026 feeling accomplished and happy, but also somewhat nervous, in pain, and unfortunately unemployed. This is my reflection on 2025.

The Yearly Theme¶

The yearly theme for 2025 was to Focus, to be short, but as I've mentioned in my previous updates for this year, things... did not go according to plan.

So many things happened that focusing—and I mean properly focusing—on anything proved to be quite a fucking challenge, ADHD or not. And even when I was able to take some time to focus and work on one thing at a time, something else would force a context switch, which, as you might know, is just

Neurotypical people most often fail to understand our struggle. To them, it's just "Why don't you just focus? Look, it's easy! See? Do like this," while intensely staring at the screen, probably thinking I'm just some flavor of stupid that can't fucking comprehend basic instructions.

For the n-th time—trust me, I fucking tried.

Travel¶

We love traveling and exploring as much as we possibly can, hence we usually prefer to rent a car in order to try and visit or drive through as much as physically possible before we have to board the flight back. Thankfully, we managed to escape our land-locked piece of the smorgasbord (Israel) this year and visit Athens, Greece in February and Italy (by car) in September.

Professional Career¶

Ah yes, arguably the best (read: worst) part of the past year. You're more than welcome to skip this section, as it will be heavy.

I have no shame in admitting that I am currently unemployed. And why the fuck would I feel ashamed? That would imply that I did something shameful. I did not choose this, nor did I commit some mortal fucking sin that I knew would get me thrown out the fucking door.

Moreover—I don't want to paint the same false picture that all the fucking influencers would like you to believe. It's not all success. Sometimes you fall. Sometimes you fall hard.

Backstory¶

On July 7th, I had my performance review, during which I received both good and bad feedback. Some of the latter was unwarranted, and I made sure to voice my opinion, which even then I felt was disregarded. And yet, I accepted the feedback and took quite drastic measures to address it.

Lo and fucking behold—July 15th, I was told by my direct manager that I was invited to a hearing. Yes, you read that fucking right—just 6 fucking work days after the performance review! The timing, to me, just screams this was premeditated. I admit and accept my share—maybe one reason from those given in the invitation was valid, with the rest composed of speculative and subjective opinion rather than fact. Definitely not enough to just throw me out to the fucking wolves, if you ask me.

Feeling some non-kosher fuckery afoot, I put on my big boy pants and composed a >3000-word document addressing each and every point. I don't live in an echo chamber; I admit fault where I know I fucked up. But just to make sure I wasn't being delusional, I consulted a couple of HR professionals who said the reasons looked like pretext. Fuck me.

• "You are largely absent from the office and have little contact with the team outside of dailies. The lack of physical presence hurts your personal connections with the team[...]"
• "[...]Your technical participation in the team is limited to working on a few projects you choose."
• "Your message to the team is still that work should be done on an individual basis. This does not work for all team members, and hurts work distribution and team member growth."
• "Your personal growth is limited, with only a small project currently underway. The standards you set affect other team members’ performance."

During the entirety of my fucking tenure, “You’re not doing enough” was never an argument; “management wants to see you in the office” was. I've had numerous talks with my team, and while I received other feedback from them, they never complained about my physical presence or my allegedly "terrible communication."

Well, since this is already a fucking circus, might as well entertain everyone—so I brought my pregnant wife with me to be my witness.

The hearing was, of course, pointless. These hearings are conducted because they're most likely legally required, and me being "given the opportunity to present your position with respect to the subject matter of this hearing" changes nothing—as if the COMPANY™ wants me out, this will not stop them. But it was important to me to make myself heard regardless, to fucking reinforce to them that even if they're firing me, I have my integrity and that I stand behind my choices, actions, and opinions. And to let my direct manager know he's full of shit, and that "I'd rather be a terrible manager than a good boss" (direct quote from what I said).

Coffin, meet nail.

• "[...]fostering a collaborative environment have not met our expectations. These ongoing issues have negatively impacted the team's overall productivity and cohesion over an extended period."
• "Your role as a manager requires more than individual output; it demands the effective leadership and development of your team. The sustained feedback regarding your limited team contact and an individualistic approach to work indicates a fundamental misalignment with Forter's standards for team leadership and collective growth."
• "While we value your past individual contributions, this decision is based on a sustained lack of effectiveness in your managerial capacity. Your limited presence in the office and individualistic work style suggests that a PIP or role change at this stage would not effectively address the fundamental gaps in your current role."

Never throughout my fucking tenure did I tell people how to work. I kept saying that people in general, and my team in particular should find a way that works best for them. I also had daily and weekly meetings, and giving them the choice to have ad-hoc meetings IF THEY WANTED TO (I value people's time, and I hate having pointless meetings for the sake of having a meeting).

And just like that—I was out. An emotional knee-jerk response made me briefly consider suing them, but if we're being honest—what would that change? Would hitting a tree branch heal the rotting tree? Would it change the outcome? Would they suddenly go "fuck, we're dumbasses, he caught us"?

I'm not saying the entire company is responsible for this, but the fact that this level of poppycock was allowed to occur doesn't instill any level of certainty in me. It's a shame, really. I enjoyed working at Forter.

Analysis¶

“Never explain yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you”

Does it suck? Yes. Was this unjust? Fuck yes. Is it unfair? ...No, not really. Fairness would imply that I'm owed something by the universe. None of us are inherently owed anything. The universe is balanced; it is humans that are unfair, and we can't fault them for it. So it's exactly what this is—just a little man flexing his "boss" muscle by doing his best to get rid of the only actual obstacle standing in front of disbanding the team I put lots of effort into (which is EXACTLY what happened later), who outright refused to say the truth to my face, or the long-reaching hand of corporate was so tightly squeezed that when he was told to jump, all he did was ask "how high."

“Whoever does wrong, wrongs himself; whoever does injustice, does it to himself, making himself evil.”
– Marcus Aurelius

Looking back, there probably were some things that I could consider red flags, but there was nothing—and I mean NOTHING—that would even suggest my employment was at stake. The rushed decision just cements the fact that the entire thing was carefully planned.

Among the many things Stoicism teaches us, one applies here—don't hold grudges. Staying angry is easy, but it will get me nowhere, nor will it change a damn thing about the past. Anger will eat you from the inside, not the target. So no, Mr. Bossman, I'm not angry at you, just highly disappointed. I'm disappointed that the person that I should, technically speaking, look up to failed to provide a good example.

I was resilient; I knew where my values lie and I stood by them, and I will continue to do so.

I never signed up to be anyone's nanny. I value people's time. I do my best to help, but can only address what I see and know, otherwise I communicate that I trust people's ability to tell me there's a problem when they have one. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I trust other people to know theirs. I know where I fucked up, and I fucking know where I was good, even at the expense of my health.

It's time you fucking woke up, Forter. At least I was honest.

And if any company is reading this and thinks "why should we employ this guy? He's going to slander us"—don't do shady shit, and don't employ people who do shady shit, and we're all gonna get along just fine.

Job Hunting¶

I might be wrong, of course, but in my humble opinion, I'm not asking for much—to be able to make a difference and contribute by doing what I like and am good at, while being paid a decent wage, in a way that's comfortable for me and doesn't require me to make a choice between family and work, in a company I can grow together with.

I'm not asking to be paid to do nothing, nor do I want to be paid millions, nor do I want to take advantage of one company or another.

In practice though, it looks like the local job market is extra difficult right now, even if you pretend for a second to not have any kind of preferences about where it is you're applying. Does me having preferences and values make me a pariah? I’d like to believe it doesn’t, but I have a hunch that the market is SO broken that companies are absolutely sure they hold ALL the cards and that we should be thankful for whatever they do offer to candidates.

There however comes a point where you just refuse to play THEIR games according to their rules. Could it create a situation where it makes most kids on your street think you’re that one weird kid so they paint you as an outcast and refuse to play hide and seek with you? Maybe, but maybe that “isolation” is exactly what you need to find your true friends.

That being said, I’m not deaf nor blind—it seems like the demand for my "profession" is in decline. Can I pursue my other passion? Yes, but learning and pivoting takes time, and right now I feel like someone lit a fire under my ass. I'm being pressured to jump into the fucking deep end of the pool before I can get my goggles on.

React will take time, as will Swift/SwiftUI, but even if I could expedite the process, I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to plaster it on my CV and apply to jobs that require them.

Am I scared? To an extent—yes. Nobody wants to be uncertain about their own employment, but I try to live by the saying:

“I never think of the future, it comes soon enough.”
– Albert Einstein

Or, if we travel a bit further back in time:

“True happiness is to enjoy the present without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied, for he that wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”
– Seneca

So far, for this specific job hunt, I've amassed 46 generic fucking rejection emails, one questionable. I've tried asking for actual feedback by replying to those emails that did not come from some "noreply" address, and have heard nothing. So companies want good candidates but refuse to provide any fucking feedback that can explain the fucking arbitrary "good" level, even if according to the description I theoretically tick all the boxes.

What if I fucking pretend I'm fine with commuting to TLV every single day? So now recruiters micro-question "Really? Are you sure? Are you double sure? You're saying yes, but we think you mean no. Oh, you've done it before? What, every day? Yah well, you're rejected anyways."

We want you in the office. You can't work remotely because... reasons. But hey, we're hybrid—you can ENJOY THE COMFORT OF NOT USING THE PUBLIC TRANSPORT, Woooooo! But you can't live too far away.

I’m not saying I'm holding some kind of higher moral ground here, but I’ve definitely got my reaffirmation that I’m playing the correct game by valuing the things that are, in my opinion, the important ones instead of succumbing to the will of those who allegedly hold the cards.

The house always wins? Not if you don’t enter the fucking casino.

I’m doing the best I currently can, while keeping my sanity intact, paying more attention to my health (more on that later), and making sure to enjoy whatever extra precious time I’ve been gifted to be with my family, instead of running a fucking marathon on someone else's hedonistic treadmill.

Family¶

Our second son was born in October. I was actually low-key stressed about the whole process, given the previous, quite traumatic childbirth my wife had to go through. Thankfully though, I actually managed to hold back and fight off that tiny, creeping sense of panic that was trying to burrow its way in.

Not only that, but this time around I got to accompany my wife to the operating room and greet our meowing little kitten of a baby into the world, instead of being left alone in a room by myself for three hours after my wife was rushed to an operating room by a team of twenty people.

While I'm familiar with the technicalities, the things I need to buy, hell, even the exhaustion I'm experiencing, it's definitely more challenging than I expected this time around, in part because our firstborn—who is about to turn six—requires extra attention, being on the spectrum and whatnot.

But having been able to work remotely (while I was working, that is) definitely had a major, positive impact on me being able to spend more time with the wife and kids doing fun things together.

See, I never thought of myself as a family man prior to having kids, but then Andrew was born and I began to understand where my priorities lie, and now with little Kaito joining the team I know for a fucking fact that family comes first. Work is replaceable; family is not. Remember this.

In 20 years' time, the only people who will remember that you worked late are your kids.

Or, here's one that digs a little deeper:

The graveyards are full of people the world could not do without.
– Elbert Hubbard

Health¶

Health is a fickle thing—you're healthy until you're not. While I started paying more and more attention to both my physical health and mental wellbeing over the past year, in retrospect my time in Forter was full of needless stress, despite the fact I mostly worked remotely, was doing—to the best of my abilities—what I like, and making sure I had time in the morning for exercise.

And it now looks like I'm paying the price, having been recently diagnosed with CSR¹, which apparently is caused by black magic and planet misalignment, as nobody fucking knows exactly what causes it, with the closest common thing medicine agrees upon being stress.

If that wasn't enough, I am also now dealing with and trying to diagnose high blood pressure that started making itself known around May 2025, but I wasn't paying attention to it. The symptoms for me are mostly headaches, although sometimes it might make me feel generally shitty.

At some point in November, I got to my lowest point. I'm not comparing my pain and discomfort to others, but that evening I just wanted to... shut down.

• Intense left leg/lower back pain (pinched nerve)
• Blocked ears (gotta visit EMT to fix 'em periodically); tinnitus
• Bad central field of vision because CSR (worse in dark)

It was too much. Even for me.

All in all, the second part of 2025 turned out to be difficult, especially since in an effort to reduce physical stress, I also had to cut down on exercise.

Considering that work is the only meaningful and constant stressor in my life, I have nothing else to point my fucking finger at but my experience at Forter. I put too much effort in, it seems, at the expense of my own wellbeing.

Onwards to 2026¶

I start 2026 then not with a new book, but a new page in the same book. It's important for the context to remain intact and to wear your past experience as armor and a compass to help shape my decisions going forward.

2025 ended with discomfort, but life is not about being comfortable. You can't become stronger or wiser when you're comfortable.

“It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult.”
– Seneca

And so, in 2026 I want to focus on regaining the balance that was lost. I also want to make sure I practice two more things that I historically have been bad at:

1. Asking for help
2. Saying no

If you, dear reader, have or know of a career opportunity I can jump on, please drop a line to hireme [at] paul [dot] glushak [dot] net.

“Don’t be ashamed of needing help. You have a duty to fulfill just like a soldier on the wall of battle. So what if you are injured and can’t climb up without another soldier’s help?”
– Marcus Aurelius